Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.