Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Yoga Matt

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found