Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

When ur friends with white people

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.