Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?