Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

😭😭

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana