Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Become ungovernable.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws