Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS