Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Managing expectations
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Snapes on a plane.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Practicing safe sax
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.