Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls