Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Delightful if true: booby trap.