I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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Anyone want a chair?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”