Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.