A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”