*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
There are no pants in heaven.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?