Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

#oldknees

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho