Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“you recording!?”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all