Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
This is the one
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere