Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )