Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home![]()
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Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain