the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
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El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
work smarter, not harder
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
i will not be silenced
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.