I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”