It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
You Might Also Like
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?