Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

Proctology is located in A55

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me