A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
smartest karate player in the world
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
this is the greatest thing ever
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
