Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.