me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Sheep
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.