Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Breaking news:

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

Added some new forms of payment to this store…