God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project