6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies