And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
i spent way too long on this
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Y’all know who you are.
