Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB