Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

That stupid look on my face, is my face

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.