Is this you?
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
This came to me in a dream.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
my first dose meeting my second
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit