Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf