Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Message from the dog groomers
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?