Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

We all have our pet causes.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that