Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all