Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

April 1st is the class clown of days.

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you