Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

This forever.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup