If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Breaking news:
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Can Happiness buy money?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.