I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Probably my best painting.
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On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My humor is broken
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.