Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?