One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I hate my earbuds.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.