who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”