Gross if literal…Liverpool
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Asking the real questions!
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Winnipeg!!
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope