Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Customer is always right

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay