Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Mornin. * use accordingly
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.