Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The old gods are rising again.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.