For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*