me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose